Post by Warpig on Jul 12, 2022 15:54:06 GMT -5
My daughter, an actual, living Valkryie, wanted to see this movie, so I forked over some cash to the groomers....
What an abysmal piece of shit.
It's almost an 'anti-movie', as in it makes you not want to watch movies anymore. Like I was 20 minutes in and I thought to myself: "Wow, is this the worst movie I've ever seen?"
Plot? What plot? Oh yeah; Christian Bale, because money, loses his daughter to some kind of disaster, like a drought or whatever ,and he crawls through the sand until he reaches a lush oasis that happens to be the home of his god. He appeals to his god, who with his muppet-show minions (more on that in a minute) are celebrating the death of the necro-man (forgot his real name, who cares) who was trying to kill all the gods with his necro-sword. Bale tries to appeal to his god, who tells him to go fuck himself, so Bale gets the necro-blade and kills his god. Then he sets about the task of killing all gods in the universe. Who knew there were so many?
Then we get an update on "What's Thor been up to?", read to us by Thor's big rock pal, which apparently amounts to hanging around with the Guardians of the Galaxy and completely blowing out the power curve by being like 20x more powerful than any of them. But he's tired of war and misses his ex-girlfriend with whom he had broken up with because this is now an episode of "Friends". So he quits the GOTG and heads back to New Asgard, I guess, I kinda don't remember. It's not important.
So Necro-Bale heads to New Asgard, which is now a tourist destination on Earth, where the Valkryie, Quanisha from one of the other dumb movies, is now in charge. No idea what her name is, who cares. She has one expression for every occasion. So bad it's a meme. TBH, I hate even writing this review, but whatever. Anyway, so Necro-Bale shows up in New Asgard (I skipped some other shit, but who cares) and so does Thor. They start fighting Necro-Bales summoned shadow monsters, who are evidently no threat at all, and who should appear but Jane Foster....as Thor(ella). Wielding Mjolnir, no less, which has reconstituted itself a-la Narsil and imbues the wielder with the ability to fight, fly, and be invulnerable. Who knew it was all in the hammer, and had NOTHING to do with being Asgardian. I guess we're ALL Asgardian? - INSERT DIVERSITY HERE -
Speaking of which, everyone is gay. In case you were wondering. Two of the main characters are gay. Ok? I don't want you confused, but two of them are gay. They're gay and one of the mains who is gay (i mentioned he was gay?) can also bear children with his gay partner, because they're gay but can still have children. Valkryie is also gay. So, in summary: Two of the main characters are gay (I don't know if I mentioned that), and one can have "kids", and be gay.
So, anyway, Necro Bale kidnaps all the United Colors of Benneton kids and takes them to the shadow realm, hoping to lure Thor and the Wokians to try and rescue them.
Oh, anyway, the whole Mjolnir thing is because Jane has super-cancer, but Mjolnir called her and reconstituted itself for her, making her A "Thor", but not curing her cancer. See, Thor is not actually a name now, it's sort of a thing you can be, so now anyone can be Thor, as later on we find out that Thor can pass his powers out to anyone.
Anyway, in order to fight Necro-Bale, Thor thinks they need an army of gods, so the Wokians travel to some kind of god refuge where Zeus, played by Russell "Yes, more potatoes" Crowe, refuses to help them. While refusing to help them, he accidentally makes Thor naked, so all the ladies, except Valkrie, because she's gay (did I mention she was gay?), ooh and aah upon seeing Thor's dick. Yes, this all happens in this clown-show film. So Thor and the Wokians start a rumble in this collection of gods and manage to apparently kill Zeus (they dont) and steal his lightning bolt weapon for some reason because Mjolnir, Stormbringer, She-Thor, Valkrie and Gayrock are just not enough.
Oh yeah, and there's some screaming goats too. So Zeus tells them before Thor semi-ganks him that Necro Bale is trying to get to the center of the universe where there's a cosmic wishing well that will grant him whatever wish he wants. Kind of a mini-infinity gauntlet, which it sure seems like Thanos was wasting his time if this fucking thing was available. Sorry I veered dangerously into plot, story, and logic.
So, at the end Necro Bale wishes for his daughter back, but dies anyway because the wish kills him, JUST LIKE TONY STARK!, and also, Jane Foster dies, probably of embarrassment from being in this turd. So the lesson here is with great power comes great plot devices. I guess? Oh, and because Necro Bale used his wish on his daughter, the daughter now hangs out with Thor because she has Necro Bale's power now. Just like all the kids got Thor's power when he shared it with them all to fight the useless, non threatening shadow monsters during the battle before going to the wishing well and blah blah blah blah...
What an abysmal piece of shit.
It's almost an 'anti-movie', as in it makes you not want to watch movies anymore. Like I was 20 minutes in and I thought to myself: "Wow, is this the worst movie I've ever seen?"
Plot? What plot? Oh yeah; Christian Bale, because money, loses his daughter to some kind of disaster, like a drought or whatever ,and he crawls through the sand until he reaches a lush oasis that happens to be the home of his god. He appeals to his god, who with his muppet-show minions (more on that in a minute) are celebrating the death of the necro-man (forgot his real name, who cares) who was trying to kill all the gods with his necro-sword. Bale tries to appeal to his god, who tells him to go fuck himself, so Bale gets the necro-blade and kills his god. Then he sets about the task of killing all gods in the universe. Who knew there were so many?
Then we get an update on "What's Thor been up to?", read to us by Thor's big rock pal, which apparently amounts to hanging around with the Guardians of the Galaxy and completely blowing out the power curve by being like 20x more powerful than any of them. But he's tired of war and misses his ex-girlfriend with whom he had broken up with because this is now an episode of "Friends". So he quits the GOTG and heads back to New Asgard, I guess, I kinda don't remember. It's not important.
So Necro-Bale heads to New Asgard, which is now a tourist destination on Earth, where the Valkryie, Quanisha from one of the other dumb movies, is now in charge. No idea what her name is, who cares. She has one expression for every occasion. So bad it's a meme. TBH, I hate even writing this review, but whatever. Anyway, so Necro-Bale shows up in New Asgard (I skipped some other shit, but who cares) and so does Thor. They start fighting Necro-Bales summoned shadow monsters, who are evidently no threat at all, and who should appear but Jane Foster....as Thor(ella). Wielding Mjolnir, no less, which has reconstituted itself a-la Narsil and imbues the wielder with the ability to fight, fly, and be invulnerable. Who knew it was all in the hammer, and had NOTHING to do with being Asgardian. I guess we're ALL Asgardian? - INSERT DIVERSITY HERE -
Speaking of which, everyone is gay. In case you were wondering. Two of the main characters are gay. Ok? I don't want you confused, but two of them are gay. They're gay and one of the mains who is gay (i mentioned he was gay?) can also bear children with his gay partner, because they're gay but can still have children. Valkryie is also gay. So, in summary: Two of the main characters are gay (I don't know if I mentioned that), and one can have "kids", and be gay.
So, anyway, Necro Bale kidnaps all the United Colors of Benneton kids and takes them to the shadow realm, hoping to lure Thor and the Wokians to try and rescue them.
Oh, anyway, the whole Mjolnir thing is because Jane has super-cancer, but Mjolnir called her and reconstituted itself for her, making her A "Thor", but not curing her cancer. See, Thor is not actually a name now, it's sort of a thing you can be, so now anyone can be Thor, as later on we find out that Thor can pass his powers out to anyone.
Anyway, in order to fight Necro-Bale, Thor thinks they need an army of gods, so the Wokians travel to some kind of god refuge where Zeus, played by Russell "Yes, more potatoes" Crowe, refuses to help them. While refusing to help them, he accidentally makes Thor naked, so all the ladies, except Valkrie, because she's gay (did I mention she was gay?), ooh and aah upon seeing Thor's dick. Yes, this all happens in this clown-show film. So Thor and the Wokians start a rumble in this collection of gods and manage to apparently kill Zeus (they dont) and steal his lightning bolt weapon for some reason because Mjolnir, Stormbringer, She-Thor, Valkrie and Gayrock are just not enough.
Oh yeah, and there's some screaming goats too. So Zeus tells them before Thor semi-ganks him that Necro Bale is trying to get to the center of the universe where there's a cosmic wishing well that will grant him whatever wish he wants. Kind of a mini-infinity gauntlet, which it sure seems like Thanos was wasting his time if this fucking thing was available. Sorry I veered dangerously into plot, story, and logic.
So, at the end Necro Bale wishes for his daughter back, but dies anyway because the wish kills him, JUST LIKE TONY STARK!, and also, Jane Foster dies, probably of embarrassment from being in this turd. So the lesson here is with great power comes great plot devices. I guess? Oh, and because Necro Bale used his wish on his daughter, the daughter now hangs out with Thor because she has Necro Bale's power now. Just like all the kids got Thor's power when he shared it with them all to fight the useless, non threatening shadow monsters during the battle before going to the wishing well and blah blah blah blah...
